How to Survive a Toxic Boss When You're In House Counsel

I'm an in house lawyer and I hate my boss. She's a senior lawyer who has years less experience than those she manages. Somehow, she got promoted over others, probably due to her insane work ethic and eye for detail. After all, those are the qualities that set good lawyers apart. Being a good lawyer, however, isn't enough to be a good manager. She lacks one of the fundamental building blocks of leadership-- empathy. 

I still remember the first meeting I had with her, nearly four years ago. At that meeting, I had agreed to help one of our sales managers with an NDA. When I told her that I had taken on an NDA, she blasted me. I counted the minutes-- five, ten... thirty minutes on why I can't take NDAs because they're low value work and that they belong with our outsourced team of lawyers in India. Did I deserve to get blasted for half an hour for being helpful to the sales team? I certainly didn't believe so. 

Nevertheless, I put my head down and said "yes ma'am." And I continued to do so for the next three and a half years, even when I got yelled at for asking questions that I should have been asking. 

Shit finally hit the fan when my father in law passed away and my manager rejected bereavement leave, which is something I'm statutorily obligated to have. 

All the while, I kept looking for new roles. However, my current job paid so well that finding a new role with a comparable salary was proving to be very difficult. People on my team kept quitting. First A left. Then T. They both ended up at the same company. Yet I still stayed as I struggled to land a new role. Meanwhile, I never bothered to consider that perhaps both A and T left because my manager was toxic. I internalized it and made myself believe that the problem was me. It wasn't until three and a half years after the NDA thrashing that I reached out to both A and T on LinkedIn, only to learn that they left because of my manager's style. 

So what are the lessons learned here about working with a toxic manager?

Don't go to their manager/HR. 

I escalated to her manager, with whom I had a decent relationship. None of that mattered, however. She had obviously been promoted by this VP because the VP believed in her. And the VP wasn't about to take back her vote of confidence. Instead, what ended up happening was that the VP did some digging and chatted with my manager-- and my manager came up with a documented list of things I did wrong. Now, in her world, doing things wrong is to simply not negotiate in her negotiation style, which she has memorialized in a playbook. For those of us who are seasoned in house commercial counsel, we know how hard it is to work with a playbook, as that's junior level process. Nevertheless, I walked away with a list of areas I needed to improve in. You see, management and HR have only one goal and that is to protect the company. 

Don't take it personal

I took my manager's feedback personally on many levels. Impostor syndrome kicked in time and time again and the inner critic in me liked to tell me that I was simply not good enough. When I learned however, that both A and T left because they, too, had been made to feel dumb in the role, my therapist reminded me that I can't beat myself up over my manager's lack of ability to properly manage. 

Look for a new job

If you're not happy with your manager, there's no price tag you can put on happiness. This is easier said than done and clearly, I'm not following my own rules here (well, I have a hefty mortgage to pay). Both A and T have told me they are much happier outside of my manager's toxic reach. It's not always easy to find a new job as in house counsel. First off, the roles are few and far between. Most of them demand at least 5 years of experience (which I have). But then there's the pay discrepancy from one role to the next. In house counsel roles can range anywhere from $130,000 on the low end to $275,000 on the high end. 

Perhaps the best advice on how to manage a toxic manager is to remember what makes you great-- and don't let the manager bring you down. At all times, maintain your grace and composure. Don't sweat the small stuff. 

First Day on the Job at a Firm

I am starting this week on a temorary placement at a respected law firm. I take with me the wisdom from previous experiences.

And in taking my sucesses and my failures in stride, I came up with a list of what to do and what not to do when entering the legal workforce.

1. Do not underestimate the value of your appearance! Looks matter. Although many attorneys will say that they don't care what you wear to work, so long as you do the job right, there definitely is a certain stigma that is attached to you by way of your appearance. I have seen it with my own eyes. I have seen judges look with disdain at attorneys who wore bright colors and flashy shoes to court. I have seen the disparity in the way I get treated when I wear a suit, a dress or jeans.

My advice- wear muted colors and limit your accessories. Brown, biege, gray or navy-blue work very well. The image you want to get across is that you care more about your work than your clothes. Of course, you could easily accomplish this by wearing jeans and a t-shirt to work. too, but jeans and a T-shirt scream the word "slacker!".

2. Do not socialize unecessarily! You are there to work. It's understandable that you might want to build relationships and strengthen your bridges at your new firm, but there will always be time for that. Your priority should really be competence. You need to get the job done. For the first while, skip lunch and eat at your desk if you must. Don't stop at the offices of others and strike up conversation on the first day. You will have plenty of time to do that once you have proven yourself. For the first while, it will be the quality of your work and not your personality that will get you more points.

3. Go in early and work late. Get there before most of the other people in the office do and leave later than the rest. You don't necessarily need to be the first person in the office nor the last one to leave, but look at your timings relative to everyone else and be a notch more conservative than the rest.

4. Pay attention to the quality of your work! Your work will be the most important factor in making your first impression. Take down your assignments with a note-pad and work hard. Stay focused and ask questions if you don't know what you are doing. Also, try to gage your employer's expectations of the assignment and if you can, try to get hold of a sample of what he/she wants from you.

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